“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free”

Sitting in my lounge this afternoon, watching a rerun of ‘Jon Richardson Grows Up’ on All 4, I had an epiphany.

One that I touched upon in my very first post in my Background section:

I have a major conflict of identity.

And that- I believe- is something that contributes to my mental health issues.

Since the different parts of my being contrast so distinctly, I can rarely be in my comfort zone, and so am permanently in a state of anxiety.

  • I love building a home and life for myself, my husband and my cat, but I also want to free myself of such burdens (the mortgage, not my husband and cat :p) and travel the world,
  • I want to work creatively, but fear the lack of stability,
  • I put huge personal value on certain items (our house is a treasure trove of vintage items, tickets stubs and scrapbooks), yet would love to live a simple life akin to that which I saw showcased in ‘JR Grows Up’ at ‘Grow Heathrow’ (I think I must have been a hippy in a previous life),
  • I think of myself as someone who’s kind, someone who looks out for other people; but when I perceive someone to be doing something wrong, or who is unkind to me or someone that I love, it unleashes a side to me that I don’t very much like.

I am a person of two halves: I am either disinterested in something or I’m obsessed with it. Whether that be my job, a particular hobby, losing weight or planning a trip. It’s why, I think, I struggle so much with my work, as to do it, it has to be the centre of my universe. Falling behind only Adam, but ahead of any of my interests and- shamefully- many of my other relationships.

So, I think I might be having a mid-life crisis… at 27… Though given my family history, it’s probably a more accurate time than most!

 

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